Damn small step...

Like everything else, it all started with a small step... and I did.

It was exactly a year ago when I decided to step up and prove to myself that I can still renew the confidence that I lost since I left the first sales company that trained me to be a salesman. Not only the confidence that I wanted to renew, I also wanted to claim the person that I was before. The feeling of being a looser started to overwhelm me and I was afraid that it was going to be out of control. I knew it would be a mess.

The president called me the day my 8-month old son was operated. I can still remember what he told me that time and it was really confusing...

"Jay, pasensyahan tayo. Nawalan ako ng mga kaibigan dahil sa 'yo. Ang ganda ng pasok mo sa kompanya ko... hanggang next month ka na lang. Gusto ko bumenta ka. Wala akong pakialam kung ano mga pinangako sa yo ng mga naghire sa yo..."

Looking back, I remember one May morning that a former colleague called me for breakfast. He said he wanted to talk to me about the future of my son and my family... His words struck me. He was my friend, a family friend....

Then he talked about how good his company was performing a year before. He talked about how much they enjoyed their Christmas. He talked about the future of the company. Their plans. The expansion and all sorts...

"Pare, gusto kita makasama dito. Para to sa inaanak ko. Sa tingin ko walang mangyayari sa yo jan... yung kinikita mo ba ngayon kasya sa mga gastusin ng pamilya mo? Tingnan mo ko pare..."

"We lack supervisor. I want you to be my supervisor. You will handle about a couple of sales persons and all you have to do is supervise. You don't need to sell... just supervise..."

I thought about it. The compensation was good. It was more than good for my family to survive for a month. Car. Perks. Guaranteed year-end bonus. Etc...

Honestly, it all boiled down to money. I started to compare the revenues that I earn with the revenues that I was giving to the company. I thought I can no longer survive... then I left. It was a leap of faith.

When I joined, there I slowly realize that all those things were not really true. Everything slowly emerged. I felt I was trap. I was trying to convince myself that everything was well and good. My proud self was telling me that I made the right decision and I was on the right direction. Then the president will call me and tell me things that an employee wouldn't want to hear. It was so depressing. All the good things that my friend told me was no longer there. "I lost good friends because of you, jay.." phrase was on my mind everyday. I was no longer the positive thinker... I was afraid. Maybe because I am a family man and that matters to me. My family. What will happen to my family if I don't have a job? Panic set in. It was confusing. I felt I was self-destructing... and I never confided to my wife until I decided to make a move. I just didn't want her to think about it and blame me for my miseries.

Exactly a year ago when I decided to make a small step to redeem my lost self. Though it would be another two months of insults, fear, and self-realization... it was a damn small step to redemption.

Until now, I am thanking my wife for standing by me during those agonizing days. I never seen her so supportive of my instincts. Ella was just there for me, no matter what. I'm also thanking Josh for the uplifting smiles.. it was a blast.

Thank you JobsDB for the assistance... you may never know but you helped me made a damn small step...