Damn small step...

Like everything else, it all started with a small step... and I did.

It was exactly a year ago when I decided to step up and prove to myself that I can still renew the confidence that I lost since I left the first sales company that trained me to be a salesman. Not only the confidence that I wanted to renew, I also wanted to claim the person that I was before. The feeling of being a looser started to overwhelm me and I was afraid that it was going to be out of control. I knew it would be a mess.

The president called me the day my 8-month old son was operated. I can still remember what he told me that time and it was really confusing...

"Jay, pasensyahan tayo. Nawalan ako ng mga kaibigan dahil sa 'yo. Ang ganda ng pasok mo sa kompanya ko... hanggang next month ka na lang. Gusto ko bumenta ka. Wala akong pakialam kung ano mga pinangako sa yo ng mga naghire sa yo..."

Looking back, I remember one May morning that a former colleague called me for breakfast. He said he wanted to talk to me about the future of my son and my family... His words struck me. He was my friend, a family friend....

Then he talked about how good his company was performing a year before. He talked about how much they enjoyed their Christmas. He talked about the future of the company. Their plans. The expansion and all sorts...

"Pare, gusto kita makasama dito. Para to sa inaanak ko. Sa tingin ko walang mangyayari sa yo jan... yung kinikita mo ba ngayon kasya sa mga gastusin ng pamilya mo? Tingnan mo ko pare..."

"We lack supervisor. I want you to be my supervisor. You will handle about a couple of sales persons and all you have to do is supervise. You don't need to sell... just supervise..."

I thought about it. The compensation was good. It was more than good for my family to survive for a month. Car. Perks. Guaranteed year-end bonus. Etc...

Honestly, it all boiled down to money. I started to compare the revenues that I earn with the revenues that I was giving to the company. I thought I can no longer survive... then I left. It was a leap of faith.

When I joined, there I slowly realize that all those things were not really true. Everything slowly emerged. I felt I was trap. I was trying to convince myself that everything was well and good. My proud self was telling me that I made the right decision and I was on the right direction. Then the president will call me and tell me things that an employee wouldn't want to hear. It was so depressing. All the good things that my friend told me was no longer there. "I lost good friends because of you, jay.." phrase was on my mind everyday. I was no longer the positive thinker... I was afraid. Maybe because I am a family man and that matters to me. My family. What will happen to my family if I don't have a job? Panic set in. It was confusing. I felt I was self-destructing... and I never confided to my wife until I decided to make a move. I just didn't want her to think about it and blame me for my miseries.

Exactly a year ago when I decided to make a small step to redeem my lost self. Though it would be another two months of insults, fear, and self-realization... it was a damn small step to redemption.

Until now, I am thanking my wife for standing by me during those agonizing days. I never seen her so supportive of my instincts. Ella was just there for me, no matter what. I'm also thanking Josh for the uplifting smiles.. it was a blast.

Thank you JobsDB for the assistance... you may never know but you helped me made a damn small step...

Discrimination

Just after I boarded the cab at the airport in Kuala Lumpur last wednesday, the taxi driver told me that some Malaysians are concerned about the situation in Thailand.

"What situation?" I asked him. I swear I didn't know about it. I wasn't watching some news channel before I left Manila. There wasn't even news of it at the Clark International Airport... sadly there were no newspapers available at the airport also. I wonder why such an international hub doesn't have a newstand?

"Bombing in Southern Thailand and a coup in the Thai capital. About two (2) Malaysian nationals died in the southern thailand bombing..." The driver, in his mid-40s, was telling me like he was a thai. He told me that the bombimng in southern Thailand was close to the malaysian boarder and they are concerned that some terrorists have free access in Malaysia. "Malaysia is typically a free and peaceful country..." he said. "People of mixed cultures live here in peace and harmony..."

I can see that in Malaysia. I can't see that in the Philippines... I thought to myself. I was thinking about the fragile peace in Mindanao. I was wondering why such a christian country is having difficulties dealing with our muslim brothers in the south and why such a muslim country like Malaysia live peacefully with christians, hindus and buddhists? I just can't understand why muslims in the Philippines, especially in Mindanao, were so misunderstood, and why christians in Malaysia are respected. Who started all this?

I remember a muslim friend back in Mindanao that he had to declare in his resume that he is a catholic just have a decent job. "It's the reality that we have to live with, even if it takes giving up may faith just to survive.." he would complain.

I also remember when I first reported for work in Laguna when some tagalogs reacted of my being a mindanaoan... "Mindanao? Muslim ka? 'Di ba ang gulo dun?..." "Mga taga Maynila ang nanggugulo dun.." I would answer them back.

Discrimination?

I don't have a ready answer for this. Though I see some changes now than 15 years ago, I can still see an endless war in Mindanao. It would be tough to say this but we practice discrimination in our country. Ironically, we complain of us being discriminated in other countries... we complain about the meaning of the word "filipina" in the greek dictionary and all that...

Errrr... I hope it's just a cultural flaw.

Just a thought...

Nograles is a big Joke!!!

World Bank report is misleading??? This is what the pro-administration lawmakers say about the report. read full article here from inq7. This comment must be one hell of a joke!!!

In the article, Nograles challenges the World Bank to provide specific evidence on corrupt practices in the Philippines to the Ombudsman "otherwise, its findings and general charges are just accusations blowing in the wind and meant to destroy and not to help this republic." This is onother one hell of a fucking joke!!! Is Nograles blind? Nakakabulag ba ang pumwesto sa kongreso? Nakakabulag ba ang payola ng malacanang? Pucha... Lumingon-lingon naman dyan at baka ka mastroke!

Here are some, Nograles...

1. If Fertilizer fund was not corrupted, then what will Nograles call it? Why is Malacanang still trying to cover-up this fucking mess?
2. If the OWWA funds were not corrupted, then why need emergency funding on the Lebanon Crisis? What do say, Nograles?
3. If Philhealth cards distribution is not electioneering, why do it during the election period? Are Philhealth cards being distributed now??? Bakit nga ba walang nagdidistribute nyan ngayon? Meron ka ba dyan Nograles?
4. Can I ask Mr. Nograles to look into our road networks? If the road user's tax are not corrupted, then why are our roads look like stone age roads? Nograles, pumunta ka sa Cabuyao at dumaan ka sa Pulo-Diezmo Road nang makita mo kung paano binaboy ng pamahalaan ng Cabuyao at ng Pamahalaan ng Laguna ang mga residente dito at ang mga malalaking industriya dito. Eto na lang para mas malapit, Nograles, umikot ka sa Maynila kahit malapit jan sa Malacanang at sabihin mo sa amin na napakaganda ng mga kalsada natin. Do we need an Ombudsman just to prove this? huh? Tanga ka ba?
5. Why are there ghost employees in government agencies? Bakit may nga haoshao jan sa mga opisina ng gobyerno? I bet Nograles doesn't know this. It's not filed in the office of the ombudsman...
6. What happened to the so called "Lyfestyle Checks"? Ano yun, smokescreen lang para masabing pinapatay nyo na ang corruption sa bansa?
7. at marami pang iba...

We don't need to file a case to the office of the ombudsman, Nograles, just to prove corruption as much as you don't need to tell your mother that you are not having an erection while watching a tripleX movie. Otherwise, you will be called "inutil." Can you just stop joking around and we are fuckingly serious about corruption in this country. I bet the World Bank is not fool enough to realease a report without considering all aspects. This is one hell of a basic thing in reporting, grade school subject to.

Makes me think, does Nograles write his own report???

Like JocJoc and Bunye, Nograles is one fucking hell of a joke!

Bayan, ano pa ang mangyayari sa yo?

Vietnam ranked 4th among the most competitive economies among the ASEAN replacing the Philippines, according to a survey conducted by the Singaporean Institute of Policy Studies (IPS) and the Nanyang Technological University (NTU)… I just browsed this one this morning as I was researching on the some Vietnamese companies.
3Million jobless pinoys. Mike Arroyo filed libel cases against 42 journalists.

What do I expect from here?

• Cambodia ranks 5th among ASEAN economies replacing the Philippines by 2008. I have no data for this but it is very possible, I believe. Knowing the capability of our political system to self-destruct.
• At the rate of increase of unemployment per year, there will be close to 5M unemployed filipinos by 2010. Since 2001, GMA has been talking about reforms but these reforms were not effective (if there are any) to correct this problem. In 2004, she talks about 10M more jobs to be generated by 2010. I don't think so. She is way reaching beyond the stars just looking for the moon.
• Philippines will be one of the "Moguls" of corrupt countries. In 2004, Philippines is with the "Matriarchs and Clans" alongside Russia and Mexico according the World Bank Anti-Curroption book reports. Hmmm… So we're like the higlanders now, huh? Immortal corrupt… Baka ma libel ako neto…
• and… by 2010, Mike Arroyo will file libel suits to 6M Filipinos… including bloggers…

What's worst than that?

Moments

Taken at my frontyard using Sony DSC-W30 camera. Just learning though...

Nuisance

After a couple of attempts to have our own homeowners' association and failed, we now have at least a budding organization. It may not be as perfect as the homeowners wanted to become… at least things are now moving. What fuels the movement??? Just a retired 72-year old lady with extra-ordinary leadership skills. Perhaps maybe she just want things to be organized and adding up her past experience.

One will be ashamed thinking that I was one of those people who helped organized but failed. I thought that organizing is not my forte, and I was impatient, that I had to give up. I failed.
I am not really sure if it is really in the Filipino's heart to pull down a fellow when things are in shape. Or is it a cultural flaw? I just don't understand. I am almost always annoyed with all those Fil-foreigners throwing bad comments/blogs about this very country that molds me. I thought that these guys doesn't have the right to comment as they are no longer "pinoys" as they used to be. But on the other hand, I find these comments full of damn truth. What else can I do but shamefully shrug…

One classic example. A group of guys wanted to derail the progress of our budding community. They all have these ideas on how to make our community flourish and progressive. They wanted to speak a lot on meetings, just wanting that their voince is heard and considered. Not only that, it seems that they only want their voice to be heard. If somebody airs an idea opposing theirs, they will call it being "disrespectful." Wow, is it normal to all cultures or exclusive to our culture only?

Looking back on the previous attempts, these guys are one of the firsts to fail. If their ideas and "stragedies" are effective, where were the results? Were there any valid progress at all? Were things organized during their failed attempts? These guys just want to fuck someone else's ass then leave. Shockingly, they also make up some tales then would just deny it or "edit" all the stories to their fucking perfection.

Things are moving quite well under Mommy's leadership. For the first time in almost three years that we see some movements. It's nice to know that there is an opposition. I believe it is healthy. But seeing all these makes one to be annoyed. What the fuck are they doing??? I myself tried before but fail and I can't just help but ashmed to the fact that this retired lady who is supposed to enjoy her retirement does something for us and doing really well… We didn't have the milestones that her leadership has now!!!

This may explain the ugliness of our political system. I thought that these politicians started it all but now I realized that it started from the bottom up.

Mommy would say to me, "Jay, this is a fucking cruel world…" and I would tell her back… " Mommy, nasa Pilipinas tayo…" Then we are cool.

Josh

"Pindot, pindot!"


It's one of the first words my son would utter in the morning with a barney disc in his hand. Most of the time we can't help but submit to his beggings no matter how a good a tv show or a movie we are watching… unless we want to see him like a mad man the whole hour. But what else can we do??? Oh kids…


About a month ago, we notice him running around, uttering some words (sounds like singing actually), and his one hand on top of the other. "Fly, fly, fly…" he says and he would just jump around and running like a drunk. My wife told me that its a butterfly song he saw from barney. The following week, we heard him singing another barney song with his hands up in the air… We realize then how much he likes music. Then he would kiss us after the act, like some actors giving some gratitudes to the audience. Funny…

It amazes me everytime Josh does new things. We first notice his fondness to music when he was just about 6-7 months old. My wife and I would hum the lullaby song together for him to get to sleep… but he would just cry after we stop humming. The following days, we would hear him cooing with us as we humm.

I remember during a jumbo pack tv commercial when he would make his body freeze and his head banging. He really made us laugh that night and the following day, my wife bought some novelty song cds so that he could watch it over and over again. Then we were a fan of Lito Camo.

Just as he hearned to stand, he would dance like my drunk father with only his knees do the bends. That's the only dance step he knew until now, actually. Just bending his knees up and down, his hands clasped or raised, and his feet glued to the floor. "Parang unano..", my wife would comment…



Today is his 21st month and he's learning a lot! At his age, he can do the sign of the cross complete with the uttering of the Holy Trinity and he's so composed inside the church. Says goodnight to his Mcdonalds' toys before he sleeps. He can follow few songs… he would just hum and utter the last word of each line. He shouts "kakyaw!" when he sees manny on tv. He would hide to his mom when he sees cherry gil on the maldita billboard and would say "menang, menang, tatot…" When my wife (or his lolas) scolds him, he would kiss and hug them like bluffing and would say "lab yu" or "sorry"… He would kiss Lela everytime we come home from work… but dislikes Lela sometimes when we are not around… and he now have 10 bags full of tricks!



Just as we thought we see him learn new things each day, we didn't realize how much he has taught us to be the parents that we are today. He just made us so proud of him that we plan more for the future of our kids… and we can't wait for what else he can learn and do tomorrow… and we just can't wait for Lela's turn…



And for another bundle of joy? hmmm…. maybe… who knows?

Simple pleasures

It's 3 in the morning when I heard Lela cried. It's the usual time for me or my wife to feed her. Since I am quite in control of my time at working hours, it's my task to feed her at dawn. Ella has to take a good rest after a long day at work and long commute. Though sometimes I complain to take a break… Ella will just tell me that she's been taking care of Lela since conception and it's about time for me to take care of her until her 9th month… How smart (hahaha!). I know it's a joke! What else can I do???

Like most dads, I am always amazed about taking care of my daughter. I just thought that she's an angel. It's not that I am being unfair to my first born (Josh). Of course, I love him so much. But the thought of seeing her growing and learning new tricks makes me think that I am cool.
I remember going on her second month that she can't sleep that I had to cuddle her all night. The following night, I had to lie in bed with her in my arms. She slept. Then I realized later on that she just like to sleep that way. That was her first trick and she's still doing it sometimes.

Now, Lela learns to smile and a new trick brewing. Makes me wonder sometimes that she may have known we need her smiles after a long hard day specially with Ella. Adding up the joy that Josh is giving us despite his being terrible most of the time. Wow, it's heaven on earth, I tought. We can just stare at her smiling and all the troubles the day has brought seem to vanish…

I was awaken by her cries 3 o'clock this morning. At first I was pretending I didn't heard a thing and hoping that Ella will take her turns… But the usual happens. I took off and prepared her milk… Lela didn't want a feed. She just smiled like she's pretending that she didnt wake me up.
It was a trick of course… but these simple pleasures give us assurance that no matter how hard life is, everything will go out fine.
Thanks, Lela…

Zagu

Nagtext sa kin si tukog nung isang linggo… "bro dadating si LJ sa sabado…"
Ah si LJ…

Si Lovejoy, kapatid ni tukog. Di ko maalala kung ano tawag namin sa kanya. Isa din sya sa pasimuno ng munting prat namin noon. Naalala ko, sya pala yung nagsketch ng coat of arms ng prat. Medjo magaling din kasi gumuhit si LJ.

Rakista. Naalala ko paborito nyang kanta ang sweet child of mine ng guns and roses. Isa din sya sa nagturo sa amin ng iba't ibang kamunduhan at kalokohan. Magrolyo ng RP, mag hithit ng RP, mamboso, at magkunwari.

Naalala ko, minsan lasing na lasing yung bagong dating na sis namin galing marawi. Lahat kami nasa hostel ni tukog. Syempre, kapatiran. Pinunasan at binihisan namin si sis. Sabi nya, "Bro, asikasuhin at alagaan natin sya para wala silang masabi sa tin…" Sinabi nya yun ng walang dudang kaplastikan… sinagot ko din sya nang walang dudang kaplastikan… Kinabukasan, di nya napigilang sabihin sa kin ang kamunduhang nasa isip nya. Buti na lang daw andun ako… yun din naisip ko… buti na lang andun sya…

Nagkitakita kami ni tukog at LJ kahapon. Inaasikaso kasi ni LJ ang papeles nya pa saudi. Drayber ng bus sa kompanyang pinapasukan ni Camel. Ayun, kwentuhan. Pilit na binalikbalikan ang kahapon. Kantyawan. Tawanan. Nakwento nya ang hirap sa mindanao at ang hirap ng isang ama na mawalay sa anak, at ang pagiging asawa na mawalay sa asawa…

Gaya ng dati, namasyal kami na walang ekstrang pera. Walang pakialam basta magkakasama lang kaming tatlo. E ano bang magagawa namin e gusto ni tukog maglakad.
Dapat daw magpaunlak ako at sa tagal na namin na hindi nagkita. Nadale ako. Isang daan lang ekstra ko pero hayaan na. Bumili na lang ako ng Zagu para sa aming tatlo. Regular lang, walang halong sago. Nabunot ko pa ang dalawang pisong natitirang coins ko. Nasa isip ko, wantutrihin ko na lang yung jip na sasakyan ko papuntang Buendia.

Pero ang mga zagung yun ang nagpahaba lalo ng kwentuhan. Nagpapaikot sa amin sa loob ng mall na di halatang walang pera. Nagpaboko kay tukog sa kanyang corruption sexperience… at sa mga kwento ng samahan na di ko nasaksihan…

Masaya kahit papano. Masaya kahit walang pera. Masaya kahit Zagu lang…