Dear Papa

Dear Papa,

I just want to thank you for the man that you were. You were not perfect, I know, but it made perfect sense to me that you were my old man. You had always taught me the essence of forgiveness, of just being happy, of just being simple, of just being broke and not giving up, of just being loved and to love more in return... and for breaking me and starting to pick-up the pieces as soon as you left.

I remember those days as a teen when I used to hate you. You were the person who I love to hate. I used to curse you for being my father. I used to pick you to fight me but you chose not to. I used to blame you for my fate. I used to hurt you. I did papa, I know. I knew it broke your being. It seemed that love was gone.

But I also remember when things changed when we had a good talk. When you asked me for a pair of shoes and I brought you to the shoe store for fitting. Your feet were so small Papa, we had to go to the kids section. I remember I was in tears trying to find you a pair. I still remember the feeling Pa. You had me realize how grateful I was to be your son. You suddenly changed my perspective in life. You suddenly made me realize that I was all wrong about you. I am not perfect Papa, but you made perfect sense to me that I am your son. We talked about being thankful and forgiveness that day Papa... It was a fine December day. Promise I won't forget that.

There were more days that I didn't visit you even when we were very near. Perhaps I was busy trying to make a life out of what I have. Maybe I was ignoring you. Last December we had a good talk. You asked me why? It broke me Papa and you knew what I suddently felt. I cannot answer you back because it felt so bad. I asked you "kumusta pa?" while I hugged you. You answered back... "I am old Jeeh. My days are gone and numbered..." You broke me that day Papa. I went home in tears that night Papa. It really felt so bad. It made perfect sense to me how you were so forgiving without even me asking for one.

You were sick Papa after that talk. You were feverish. You were complaining about your leg pains that you thought were just arthritis. You made me worried. You made everyone worried. I remember how worried you were about the expenses, how you told us that you were worried about JR having to spend all his savings for your bills. How you were worried about the money spent for your hospitalization... But it was more worrisome Papa when we were told you had cancer. I remember how it felt Papa. You were in pain. But it made more sense to us Papa, that we everyone learned the joy of just being with you. Mama really took care of you 24/7. All those years Papa, you guys fought almost everyday... but I remember the sight of mama taking care of you and it was wonderful.

We asked your firstborn to visit you last February Papa. I remember the expression of your face when you saw her. You cried Pa... but you told us you cried because your legs hurt. How we laughed so hard pa. How you brought joy to my heart that day Papa and to ate Melen too.

Papa, the past months, we used to joke around each other. You were stronger. You looked better. You looked the happiest. You looked healthier. You posed for selfies. You appreciate more of the small things. That fifty pesos or a thousand more didn't matter to you. You showed us Papa that joy of giving unconditionally and it made perfect sense to me now. Your pains and gains didn't matter to you anymore but the mere presence of your loveones did. I will always remember Papa the joy you felt when your best Ella came to visit you. You were the happiest papa. And until the end Papa, you made Ella realize that she moves on with her lost too, for good.

My siblings are the happiest too Papa. They got more stories to tell. Mama is the happiest too papa. She's got more love to share and tell.

These past week, you were sick again. We utter few words. I asked you to come with us but you didn't want. You were quite serious when you told us last Tuesday you wanted Joy to get married soon because you were going. I remember I didn't say a thing. Something was off that afternoon Pa. I kept my distance at the clinic. We stared at each other sometimes. I try to smile Pa, you kept your silence. I never thought that was your last Tuesday.

Pa, I saw your struggle. Pa, I heard the doctor said that we might lose you. But Pa, your heart still gave a chance to stay with you. Your mind was no longer there but your heart Pa was so strong and I could only hope I have that strength... it was beating still pa. You gave us a chance to stay together beside you. You gave us a chance to pray together Pa. And most of all, you gave a chance to look at the brighter side of life when we decided to let you go. It was painful Pa, but we had to let you go. You know Pa, you left surrounded by the ones you loved. You must be very proud Papa.

Papa, I have always told you how much I love you. I will miss kissing you Pa. I will miss hugging you until you complain that you had enough hugs from me. I will miss teasing you around. I will miss those jokes and banters Pa and you were good at that really.

It makes perfect sense to me now Papa... you had lived through rough rides but you were gracious every step of the way. You loved us best. We love you more Papa.

Kita ta sunod didto sa pikas, magdala ko ug redhorse. Padayon na Pa. Padayon na.

Handy Man

"Palagay ko 'di mo kaya yan..."

These were some of the most memorable words my father-in-law told me. Honesty at it's best and it was beautifully said. We laughed after he told me those words as I somehow agreed to what he said.

About three weeks before Mang Boy passed away, I happened to enjoy watching cooking shows on Food Network Asia and NatGeo People. Somehow to pass time and learn at the same time. Most of these times, Mang Boy was watching with me and together we seemed to appreciate what we were watching. People cooking and eating like nobody else's business or some hosts tour around the world for some good eats and watch them fall like crazy. He loved to eat and that made the watching more fun. He commented one time on an Italian Beef Stew (sort of) slow cooked in red wine... "Parang Adobo lang yan ah!" and a beatiful smile on his face like he was tasting it already.

On Tuesday before he left, we watched the Rachel Ray show and as I was drooling of the food she was preparing, I told him that I might try to cook it myself. I am no cook. In fact I don't cook unless it's about cooking rice or fried fish and all that simple and uncomplicated cooking stuffs.

"Luto kaya ako nyan Mang Boy. Sa tingin mo?" :D

His eyes was still glued on TV and simply commented... "Palagay ko 'di mo kaya yan..."

I laughed and asked for a reconfirmation of what he just told me... "'di nga Mang Boy? hahaha!"

"Palagay ko di mo kaya..." with an honest squirm or grin on his face or whatever that was. I laughed. He laughed. That's it.

I miss my dad-in-law. To be honest, yesterday was one of the loneliest days since he left. As if it was all sureal. I can barely talk. I just want to cry, to be honest. I always tell my friends how lucky I am to have such nice in-laws. Ironic since I often hear some people complain about their in-laws and all. But I don't have such a feeling towards them especially to Mang Boy. He played a big role to my being a father to my kids. He may not talk much but he seemed to relay a lot of wisdom to me most of the time. Well not at all serious thoughts but all made sense. He was the kind of person that you can easily get along with... even if you were just a nobody. He just didn't care much about who he was talking to.

He was the kind of person who would talk to some unsuspecting strangers and made conversations with them. PR at it's best. He would talk to the cashier at some store and tease her. He would call me and include me in their conversation and the three of us would laugh so hard. The cashier would blush when she realized that the joke was on her... "Ano ba sir? wala namang ganun..." would be an easy comment.

He easily gets mad at some petty things but he was fast at forgetting about being mad. He always told me that he will die a happy man because he doesn't have quarels with anyone. When things get loose, he will fix it as soon as possible. He was a handy man. He fixed everything.. broken electronics, broken furnitures, broken doors... even broken lives. One last major fixing that he did was about a son of his nephew. Thought really that was a major blow. He was really stressed with the situation but he was able to fix (hopefully) a little bit after some convincing. My wife was really worried about him that day. He was not supposed to be stressed that big because of his illness. At the end of the day, he was happy with what he did. We were just hoping that it was all worth it... really.

My relationship with Mang Boy was not at all perfect. There were few times that we had some misunderstandings but we always found ways to fix it. I really had a beautiful friendship with him and I cherish that friendship until I die. I was not even ashamed to tell him that I love him... Awkward it may seem to many but I was not ashamed to tell him that. Sometimes in a fun way but I will not forget that day when I told him that quite seriously because I mean it.

The past 11 months, he made peace with his God. He learned to stare death like it was really going to come to him soon and played along with it. He accepted a certain fate especially in the last weeks when he subtly told us that he was going soon... Sadly, we didn't pick up quite well. If we could have known... We could have waited a couple more days and stayed with him. But it was not the way it was. It is really hard to digest but life has to move on eh. Life has to move on.

I thank God for giving me nice in-laws. It would have been hard to imagine life if they were not that great. Here's hoping that everyone moves on quite easily from here and live life to even more fuller than it was. 

So long, Mang Boy. I miss you. I love you. I sincerely wish that I was with you in your last day and took care of you. There would have been enough answers to some questions now. But it was your time to go and we have to let you go... and we have nothing to do about it but just let some questions hanging and leave them just that...

Until we meet again Mang Boy and we will watch some cooking shows again, yeah!

The Longest Six

Who would have thought that six hours would be that long? It was bladder blasting. It was the longest prayer time of some worried souls inside the family waiting room... It was simply agonizing.

Five patients at the operating room at one time, five worrisome families waiting for some news, silent, crying. One could hear the chaos at EDSA from nearly a mile away. The silence is just deafening. Phones vibrate. Friends and families' SMSs waiting for some news too... a welcome relief sometimes of the tensions building inside ones chest.

Ella and myself left home at 3:55 in the morning for an hour's trip to the Philippine Heart Center. We just want to be at the hospital suite before Mang Boy is taken to the operating room. Funny though, the first time I saw Ella so much religious and prayerful the past few weeks. She downloaded a rosary prayer app from the appstore and started praying with it while we were on the road. I'm no catholic but I understand. One should be in reconciliation with the Creator especially in times like these. One must have the bestest, most sincere prayer for some time and it was very beautiful.

Mang boy was already prepared for the operation when we arrived. He was already connected to two IV lines. The medication nurse was explaining to him about all those meds and pain relievers and sedatives that were to be administered to him and all. Mang boy looked tired. He didn't sleep that night, felt some butterflies in his tummy and told me he was really scared while he was being stretchered down to the OR. Mang Boy is one tough guy but it surely looked like he felt helpless yesterday. One damn helpless person indeed. I would strike a joke. He would strike back one. Just like the day before yeah. He would speak english to me full of "you knows..." The nurses would laugh at him especially when he joked about mama being fat... I signed some papers and let him go, really hoping and praying for the best. It was 7:00 AM. As I went out of the OR receiving room, I saw a little girl waiting for her turn to be received. Chills you know... What have she done to deserve an operation like that... chest to be opened, heart to be repaired and all. Later I found out that the girl's pacemaker had to be replaced after nine years. 

Soon other patients came in... some even babies. It was an aweful feeling really. Why the babies?

At the waiting room, I saw Ella and my mother-in-law reading their novenas. The other lady praying the rosary. A couple of guys who came in earlier were reading newspapers and a couple in front of us holding each other's hands... I guess they were comforting each other in silence. The room was so damn cold. Perhaps helping the mind to concentrate on the praying...

Came the news. Ella was called to the surgery waiting room and was told that Mang Boy's surgery was a success. Four and a half hours on the table, an hour and a half more than the scheduled three hours. Ella was told that they found scars around his heart, signs that he had multiple silent heart attacks before. The aorta is safe... for now. One tough heart in one tough guy. It was around 12:30. Ella's bladder was already filled but she didn't want to let it drained.

Mang Boy was out fo the OR at around 1:00 in the afternoon. It was a very relieving feeling. We made it to 50% of the process. He had to recover and must be awake by 6:00 in the evening. One surgery down, one more to go within the next seven days.

Ours is a good news... The other family was not a good one. We prayed for the best. They prayed too. Just sad that some soul's hopes are to be shattered in vain. Imagine the wait. Imagine the time spent. Imagine every single pain inside. Imagine everything. It could have been ours. The disappointment could have been to somebody elses... God must have some reasons. We wouldn't know. But I'm sure God is a comforting God. I'm sure. Life has to move on. Life has to go on. 

There are a lot of realizations these past few weeks. Spiritually uplifting, eye-opening experience. And truly during these stressful and agonizing days, we meet some new acquantances that cheer us up, new friends, we know more of the friendships we have made, some are real friends and some are just not good enough.

"When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better." 

– Malcolm S Forbes